The Great Sticker Shortage
by Flaky Biscuit
Summary: A Lord of the Rings-Harry Potter crossover. NOT made off a challange by A. Smithee.


Author's Note: To get the correct effect please read all of Gimli and Pippin's lines in a ridiculously stereotypical Scottish accent.  
  
Disclaimer: Unfortunately I do not own any of these characters (though I am working on purchasing Dominic Monaghan from New Line), they are the property of Warner Bros. and New Line, respectively.  
  
------The Story------  
  
(Pippin, Legolas, and Aragorn are all sitting around a campfire chatting about what interests them at this moment in time)  
  
Pippin: (chuckling to himself)  
  
So, what do you guys think of those new-fangled claiming sites?  
  
Legolas: (covered in stickers claiming him for various people including TheSchnazzyWeasel, Daxius, the Pope, and Kate Bosworth [who is, in fact, the only one who really has rights to Legolas])  
  
Mrph.  
  
Pippin:  
  
Yes, yes. I see your point.  
  
Aragorn: (has a sticker on his head saying "Former-property of Flaky Biscuit")  
  
Well, personally, I find them very demeaning.  
  
(Pippin and the sticker-covered Legolas stare at Aragorn)  
  
Aragorn:  
  
What?!  
  
Pippin:  
  
Aragorn, why aren't you stoned?  
  
Aragorn: (looks sad)  
  
Ron stole my pipe again...  
  
Pippin:  
  
Ah, that would explain a lot...  
  
(suddenly Merry and Gimli emerge from the bushes)  
  
Aragorn:  
  
Well, I see you two are back from the "outhouse."  
  
Merry:  
  
Erm...Yeah! Yeah, the "outhouse," that's where we were. Hey Aragorn why-  
  
Pippin:  
  
Ron stole his pipe.  
  
Merry:  
  
Ah, that would explain a lot...  
  
(awkward silence)  
  
Pippin: (who, did I mention, is sticker-free)  
  
Merry, what's that on your head?  
  
Merry: (attempts, without success, to look at his head)  
  
Uh, you mean the sticker?  
  
Pippin:  
  
Noooooooo!!! Not you too!  
  
Gimli: (also sticker-free; reading off Merry's sticker)  
  
Property of Flaky Triskit? Who the hell is Flaky Triskit?  
  
Author:  
  
It's Biscuit, you dope.  
  
Gimli:  
  
Oh yeah, I forgot about-  
  
Pippin: (pushing Gimli out of the way and yelling at author)  
  
Merry is mine, do you hear? Mine, my own, my precious!!!  
  
(by the way, I have also claimed Merry's ass, so don't even think about it)  
  
(Frodo enters)  
  
Frodo:  
  
Did somebody say my name?  
  
Aragorn:  
  
No.  
  
Frodo:  
  
Okay.  
  
(Frodo turns around, revealing two stickers on his ass "Property of Heather" and "Property of Johsalyn," and exits)  
  
Pippin:  
  
No!!! This is madness, MADNESS I TELL YOU!!!  
  
(Pippin runs away screaming, but is soon sedated and taken to an asylum, where he will receive proper medications...and no, they do not involve Aragorn's pipe)  
  
Aragorn:  
  
Well, that was interesting...  
  
(the music from Harry Potter [Bubble, bubble, toil, and trouble etc.] comes on and Hermione, Ron, and Harry enter dragging a sticker-covered Draco along behind them)  
  
Harry: (pointing to Draco)  
  
Okay, who's responsible for this?  
  
Merry: (puzzled)  
  
Am I? I can't remember...  
  
Draco:  
  
Mrmph!  
  
Ron: (who has a single sticker on his head)  
  
Yeah, what he said.  
  
Legolas:  
  
Murphin?  
  
Author:  
  
No, Legolas. No muffins.  
  
(Legolas looks sad)  
  
Hermione:  
  
My research shows that if these "claiming sites" are allowed to continue fanfiction.net net will suffer a mass sticker shortage causing the inevitable end of the world, as we know it.  
  
(crickets, a la A. Smithee)  
  
Draco:  
  
Mumph.  
  
Gimli:  
  
Draco's right, we should go to a pub!!!  
  
Hermione:  
  
I think Draco said that we should put a stop to this.  
  
Harry:  
  
Hey, since when do you get to speak for Draco?  
  
Hermione:  
  
Since we started dating.  
  
Harry:  
  
What?! Draco, you promised this wouldn't happen again!  
  
Draco:  
  
Mrph.  
  
Hermione:  
  
Don't you talk to my Draco like that, Harry Potter!  
  
(the LotR characters and Ron leave quietly, deciding to...  
  
a. take Gimli's suggestion and find the nearest pub and...  
  
b. let Harry and Hermione kill each other so Draco can go back to being everybody's man-whore)  
  
------The End------  
  
Simon:  
  
That was terrible! Absolutely horrible!!!  
  
Author:  
  
Oh do shut up, Simon. 


End file.
